In His Time

Some stories are louder than others. They boldly speak and are clear to all who hear them that there exists a miracle-working God who is alive and active.

This is not that kind of story. This is more of a whisper; a nudge that happened deep in the soul of a person who had not prayed for change. It speaks of a wife’s cry and the gentle embrace of a kind-hearted Father.

I’m not sure when the decision was made, but for as long as I had known him, my husband was certain that he didn’t want children. I, on the other hand, felt as though mothering was to be one of my primary purposes on Earth.

We lived a very happy and content life together for the first nine years of our marriage, but there was a dull yearning I had for something we didn’t have, and something I knew was an unlikely reality; my husband was still adamant that fatherhood was not for him.

I cried out to God, reminding Him of my desires and His promise to me in Psalm 37:4. I believed so wholeheartedly that a large part of my destiny was to be a mother; I could not fathom my life without children.

I had been diagnosed with a mild case of endometriosis, which made falling pregnant difficult and somewhat unlikely.

But then it happened.

It was as ordinary a day as any other when I found out I was pregnant. My husband had no idea that I had an inkling that something was different, and so seeing those lines on the test came with such joy and gratitude, but also with a sprinkling of dread – how was I going to break the news to him?

I showed him the test, and held my breath.

He began to cry and told me this story:

“As I was driving home today, I passed a school. I glanced in the rearview mirror and saw a dad and his daughter crossing the road. At that instant, I knew that that was what I wanted. I knew I wanted to be a dad.”

On THAT day. Not the day before, or three weeks later, but on the day that I found out I was pregnant, my husband’s heart was miraculously and unwaveringly changed.

God’s timing was, as it always is, perfect. Each detail of our small lives had been considered by the One who planted the seed of hope, who felt the ache in my heart and who cared enough to gently and so lovingly change a mind that would not be changed.

This is the God who leaves the 99 to focus on the one. This is the God who knows what is best for us, who gives us what we need and so kindly gives us what we want, too.

He is bigger than nine years of longing; He is able to ease into a heart that would not be changed, to soften it and prepare it for something it never even knew it wanted. And He makes it beautiful. In His time.

Caryn and Michael now have two children – Elijah (9) and Ella (7).